Wednesday, 27 August 2014

HAPPY KENKE DAY


The benefits of being the queen of a great kingdom such as mine are unquantifiable. I, being the queen of my Kingdom, sat on my throne and watched the world’s grandest parade. I was blown away by it all, not particularly by the performance but by the cause (you know, the reason for the ‘season’ *winks*). It was a MEcause. Yes, today the 27th of August is my birthday and the whole kingdom is out to celebrate me, ME! JUST ME! ONLY ME! *dancing yahoozee*. What more could a queen ask for? Ehn? *blushes*


So much love for the queen  \^.^/
Fast forwforward to reality.

Yes, today is the 27th of August and it really is my birthday. Nope, I’m not telling you amebo lot my age (hin no consine you!). A lady never reveals her age. Unfortunately, there is no great kingdom I rule over and ultimately, no grand parade to celebrate my birthday *sad face*. Birthdays should be the best days of the year and so should today be for me. Now, this is where you come in (listen o, this one consine you), I have a wish list and I’m hoping you’d be so kind as to help fulfil some of the wishes if not all of them (I must get my wishes before the day runs out o, ehen). Before I go on, I would like to point out that I’m a ridiculously reasonable person and very considerate too. So, my list is going to be short so as to spare your pockets. Here goes;

I want an island. Specifically a diamond shaped island adjacent to Brad Pitt’s heart shaped island. This is so that when I go on vacation and I’m sunbathing in the buff on my island, Brad Pitt may look upon me lustfully, swim across and propose marriage to me. Then we can start our little volleyball team together and Brad will be a modern day Abraham; the father of many nations.
I want my signature scent.


I want Clive Christian Imperial Majesty. Hehe. It’s always been a dream of mine to have my perfume delivered by a Rolls Royce you know and a chauffeur and a diamond on the bottle.

A Majestic scent for a Royal me \$_$/

I want a pair or maybe two or even three pairs of shoes. Nothing too exorbitant. I would only accept three designers sha; Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin.

See, I told you I was reasonable. Please use super-fast courier services when necessary. Time is fast ticking. What can I say, Time is impatient like that; he is a spoilt little brat!

While I await the delivery of the gifts, I’ll catch some rest to prepare my body, soul and spirit for another hectic day *arghh, med school! Despite the strike, it’s still hectic* (explains why we, Fikemi being the 2nd person, have been silent for a while).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. CONGRATULATIONS TO MIZKENKE.
Enjoy the rest of your day people cause I plan to enjoy mine (with your gifts) *winks*.
Fikemi says hi, she had to hurry down to Farfar-away Land.
Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

00:30:27 27-08-2014

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Roses are Red

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I woke up renewed
And beautiful too

All thanks to God
For being so good
So good to me
And also to you

Good day everyone.  I hope you liked my special way of saying 'Hi'.
Eid Mubarak to all the muslim faithfuls.
I'm enjoying the holiday; two awesome days of no school. Life can be good sometimes *lol*
I hope you are making good use of this time to rest and unwind. Enjoy while you can, school continues tomorrow.

I apologize,  I know it's been a while. We have been so so busy with school work.
That's all for now. Enjoy!!!

Haha!, a picture to feed your eyes with ;)

"Roses" are Red

Sunday, 13 July 2014

Sunday Late Post

Sigh* I'm not exactly happy right now cause it seems the team I'm supporting is going to lose the world cup. It'll take a miracle for Argentina to equalize in less than 5 minutes to the end of the match. I just entered my room more angry than sad...*hears happy voices* *runs outside to confirm if Argentina has equalized*...mschewwww, turns out some people were just excitedly counting down to the end of the match. Referee blows final whistle and I walk away heartbroken. Mizkenke begs me to stay. She wants to watch Messi cry she said. Hmmmph! Insensitive she. *Long hiss*

Anyhoo, I promised me and Amaka that I was going to post something today and that's the only reason I'm doing this. Otherwise, I should be mourning my 'loss' with the sun cause even she is sad Argentina lost; the exact reason she has refused to let her rays falll upon this part of the world tonight.

Soooooooooo, eeerrrrrrr, there really isn't much to say or type (more appropriately). I am really tired. I travelled down to school from home and I spent half the time in the bus reminding God I had not yet fulfilled my purpose in life and the other half laughing at the reckless-driving-yet-confused driver. (Yes o, the man just bad like that. Gbam!) Less than an hour after I dropped my bag in my room, my friend called me and me do his dirty job. He used me, insulted and manipulated me. Yet, he showed no obvious signs of appreciation. Things we I do love ehn.

Walking back to my room I was thinking of what to post when I was almost certain I spotted a flower. I decided to take a picture though it was 8pm and pretty dark, I sblindly took the shot of the spot; call that a Blind Spot (P.S. I did not type that. Some villain did. I'm too smart to even think of thinking such. Blind spot? Hian!).

Not bad for a blind spot, yeah? That was the villain again


I feel better now that I'm picturing someone smiling at my almost dry jokes (if you have not so far, please do. You'll be saving someone's life. DON'T ASK WHO!). I'm already typing bonkers yeah? I should sleep yeah? Okay, Okay, say no more. Good night good people of earth. I shall be back.

Taaa ta ran ran taaan ta raaaaan.
Cu...

Wait, wait, wait.
I want to use this medium to wish Amaka Hundeyin of www.seyonhundeyin.blogspot.comwww.seyonhundeyin.blogspot.com a happy birthday. We from femmefuntale wish you the very very best of life. God bless you hunnie. Please send our share of the cake to us. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.

Taaa ta ran ran taaan ta raaaaan.
Cut!

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Behind the cloud

Hi guys, remember I wrote about my interest in photography last year, phoneography to be precise (till I can afford a camera sha). Well, I have been taking pictures every now and then. There is almost always a story to the pictures I take and this one I'm about to share is no exception.

Some weeks back, Kenke and I were informed by the CIA that alien activities had been spotted in the very heart of Ibadan city. We questioned the credibility of the information at first. Why did the CIA contact us and not the Secret Service or something? Then we gave it a second thought, the CIA must have recognized the strength of our mind which invariably radiates to every aspect of our being so we decided to check it out.

We set out on a Saturday when it was reported alien activity was usually at its peak. We went up the hills, down the valleys, climbed up rocks and even swam against strong  river currents. We got to the final obstacle, a forest so thick even a piece of thread would find it almost impossible to pass through. We had been through too much to quit so we sought extraterrestrial help. In a flash, we were riding on a Unicorn over the forest and minutes later we spotted an area of crude civilization. We watched the aliens use some machine to suck the sun's energy. The sun was visibly scared and had no where to run. She started crying for help. Kenke and I were about to rescue her when we saw it. A very beautiful scenery.  The beauty of helping the needy. The beauty of going out of your way to lend a helping a hand. The act of putting others before yourself without any hope of a reward. The cloud so brave, so courageous, shielded the sun from the aliens and in that moment of selflessness, a radiant energy from the cloud coupled with that of the sun shot high into the sky and descended on the alien civilization. The energy was so bright we had to cover our faces and when we opened our eyes, the whole area was razed to ashes. It was over. The alien threat taken care of and most importantly, I was able to get a shot of the sun's rays fanning out from behind the cloud.

Too bad we can't boast of saving the world but hey, we witnessed the world being saved; a rare opportunity *winks*. Don't hate the players, hate the game. Hehehee. Oh yeah, here's the shot I got.

Beautiful innit?



Enjoy the rest of your day people. I'm out!.

Saturday, 5 July 2014

BIG BAD MIGHTY M

Back in the day, say four years ago, two young na├»ve girls on the verge of womanhood decided to be altruistic and save the world, one sick person at a time. They filled in Medicine and Surgery on their JAMB/UTME form, got admitted into the University of Ibadan and were hailed as efiwes and efikos. Of course, they basked in the euphoria of their admission to study medicine.

THEN THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED…

They did not see it coming, they did not sense it, it was the last thing they anticipated. When they least expected  it, these girls were kidnapped.
HORROR!
Shown no mercy by their captor, Mighty M, the girls were dealt a heavy blow physically, psychologically, socially and financially.
TERROR!

The mean looking Mighty M

They were held captive for 18 months but were rescued on the last day of the 18th month by prince ASUU.
FREEDOM!

Charming prince ASUU

For the few months they were able to escape captivity, they started a communication with the outside world in form of a blog .Then their captor returned. Bigger, meaner and better equipped to deal with the runaways. Infact, Mighty M did not provide allowance for escape a second time. Escape in form of weekends, sick days, public holidays, strikes; nada! These girls had none. Hey you, do not fear for them because in them was  recently born one of the greatest weapons of mankind against adversaries. DETERMINATION!The girls are now bigger, meaner and better too. Though they live in captivity, they have decided Mighty Med would cease to dictate the terms of their captivity. They are determined to call the shots, there is no way Mighty M is going to shut them away from the world. He tried it before but never again. It is now a matter of life and death, a fight to the finish and these girls do not plan to go down in this fight. HEROIC!These girls are…drumroll… Fikemi and Me (MizKenke).  Our horror tale is real and the villain is Medicine. A bit anticlimactic I know but wait… Medicine sucks the life out of you. It’s like the yeerks from animorphs. It enters your brain. Takes over your life. Medicine makes you a whiner and a liar. When you try to eat, alarms go off in your head. Sirens too. ‘You should be reading’ they say. When you play or pray or even sleep, you hear the alarms and sirens. The worst part is even when you are reading. The darned alarms won’t go off. This time, they are going on and on about how you are behind in your reading and how your mates are going to cantab you (pass you when reading the 2nd time while you are still slugging through your 1st).  The only time you get a respite is when you are complaining. That’s right.  Complaining. So don’t be surprised when all (okay, maybe not all) we do is complain about the workload. We always lie that we will do better. We lie that we will study more, if anything, we study less. We lie that we will keep in touch, we never do. We say that we will blog more, this is a lie too. But like I said, we are back; bigger, better, meaner, genetically modified to dictate the terms of our captivity. So,this is us hoping that our apology is accepted and promising never ever ever ever to leave you.


MizKenke and Fikemi - looking fierce and equipped to take down Mighty M *grrrrrr* 


*sniffs* Poignant moment.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

ONNELLISTA UUTTA VUOTA

Onnellista Uutta Vuota!  
Don't worry your heads (or google) trying to figure out the meaning. It's simply the foreign manner I have chosen to say Happy New Year!
   
Happy new year in February? I know, I know and I'm sorry. Forgive us for going AWOL. Something came up, the unexpected occured. Mizkenke and I had to combat the unseen to ensure  balance in our world. Credit to the Almighty, Victory is ours.

That said, we have missed y'all just as we hoped you've missed us. Being the first post this new year, I'd like to wish everybody a wonderful year. I hope January was awesome for you all. Not so? Smile and be happy for you still have 10months and three weeks ahead of you.

What to expect from us? Everything and Anything!  Unpredictability is the spice of life. But one thing is certain, we promise to make you smile (laugh maybe), ruminate, challenge you, enlighten you, and share things with you (yes, you are that important). So bookmark the blog address or subscribe by email and journey with us. It promises to be worthwhile.
Errrr, I think that'll be all for now. Oh no, wait! You know this is our means of communicating with you guys and communication is a two way thing. So, please endeavour to leave a comment and if you have anything to share, questions, do send us a mail (femmefuntale@gmail.com).Thank you.
Have a good day people.

Peace!

Sunday, 29 December 2013

5 Things to do to before the Year Ends

Ding dong, ding dong, the town bell started ringing just as the clock struck 12. As if the sound of the bell was indication of an impending attack, the whole town was thrown into a frenzy. Men, women, young, old, everyone started running helter skelter, some trying to return stolen goods, some trying to pay their debts, the lazy ones attempted to hurriedly complete projects they should have.

It was time. Time for each and every townsman to account for time spent, money earned, money spent, words said, actions, thoughts, everything!

"QUIET!" screamed the thunderous voice of a guard.
"Enough of this hullabaloo. You will all form a queue and wait your turn to go into the fort. You'll meet the almighty King Vasto and to him will you give account."

Like a tranquilized bear, everyone was immediately calm. Everyone obeyed, order and organization, immediately restored. 

Somewhere on the queue, Mr Stereovida was queasy. He tapped Mr Agiliso who stood behind him on his left arm. Mr Agiliso looked up with a smile on his face,

"Yes?"

"You look happy," was Stereovida's rather lame reply.

"I certainly am, I used all my assets well. Invested and multiplied all a great fold." 

He noticed the uneasiness in Stereovida's eyes and asked,

"You didn't use yours well?"

"No I didn't. I work as a messenger for one of the noble families. I don't have that much talent. All I ever did was, well, run errands. Nothing more."

"Oh my! King Vasto would be disappointed. I heard he feeds the brain, heart, hands and legs of those who do not impress him to his pet piranhas."

About an hour later, a guard led Stereovida into the fort. He stood before the King and gave his account. The King was very disappointed. 

"Guards! Take him away. He is to be fed to the piranhas. Let them have a human dinner," screamed the King.

                   ●● Press PAUSE ●●

The year ends in about 48 hours. What special thing have you accomplished this year? You got married? If it wasn't on the moon, it's not special. You gained admission? Except you got it without writing exams, No, it's not special. Job promotion, higher pay? Except it's made you as rich as Bill gates, No, it's nothing.
Now you're frustrated. Thinking,  have I really spent 363 days without doing anything special? Calm your nerves. I've gatcha.
Below are five things to do before the year runs out. Five cool things that'll certify your year awesome.

  1. Become a Polyglot                                        In two days you'll learn to speak several languages. Impossible? I think not! It's really simple. List at least 7 different languages on a paper . For each language, find out how to say hello (use google!). Note them down and commit them to memory. In less than ten minutes, you'll be able to speak at least 7 different languagues. Who cares if it's only 'hello' you can utter?  Nobody.                                      
  2. Set a Record                                             Woah. Woah. Slow down. No one mentioned Guiness world record. Your greatest competition is you. So you'll be setting a YOUrecord. Try something you have never done before like sticking your tongue out without retracting it for 6hours or talking backwards. It is as easy as farting.                                                                    
  3. Become an Artist                                 Everyone knows Leonardo da Vinci for his works of art especially the Mona Lisa. You'll also create a work of art. It could be a few pencil strokes, a drawing of a stickman, a painting of a leaf or calligraphy.  Art is a means of communication, it doesn't say meaningful communication, neither does it say meaningless communication. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Feel free to express yourself.                                                                   
  4. Design It!                                                  Yuup, design something.  A dress, a shoe, your future house, a car, anything! You cannot go wrong with creating a design. Cause a mistake made is still part of the design. Awesome, isn't it?                                
  5. Shake It!                                                             It is obviously the season of creating dance steps. So why shouldn't you join the trend? Create your dance step. Personalize it. It could be as simple as lifting your legs and swinging your arms. It's your creation, own it! Teach your family and friends and have them teach their friends who'll teach friends that'll teach their friends. It'll go on and on like that. Who knows, your dance might be the next Gangnam style.
So there you have it. Five totally awesome things to do before the year runs out. Do them all and you would have achieved a lot. Thank me later. I told y'all I had your backs. *winks* Hurry. Time waits for no man.


●● Rewind ●●
●●Press Play ●●

About an hour later, a guard led Stereovida into the fort. He stood before the King and gave his account. The King was very impressed.

"You mean you learnt over ten languagues,  walked a kilometre on your hands, drew  darkness, designed a flying shoe and  invented DEDANS, whatever that is, despite the meagre talent I bestowed on you?"

"Yes, Your Highness."

" I am impressed. "

"Guards! Bring the piranha tank. Give it to this young man. Tonight, this young  man will be having a fish dinner."

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Merry Christmas

It was a starry fullmoon night. 'Hoooowwwl' went a pack of wolves somewhere in the woods. Seated around the feet of old man Whitebeard were his grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great great grandchildren. He cleared his throat and in his signature croaky voice, he narrated an ancient tale.


"A long long time back, in an ancient town, lived a fair maiden. She was so fair that she was handpicked by forces, forces far greater than any mortal could fathom to be the bearer of the best thing to ever happen to mankind. Blessed she was indeed, for in Bethlehem of Judea, in a manger, she bore a son, not one of a man and a woman but one of the spirit. His name, EMMANUEL."


Drumroll
Fireworks
Cymbals clash
Bells chime
More fireworks
Final drumroll
Upbeat version of 'Joy to the World' starts playing in background.

Merry Christmas people. Glad you made it to this day. We cerebrate the birth of Christ today, the birth of peace, joy, forgiveness,  a second chance, salvation! The birth of God's greatest gift to man, a gift of love.

So let's make our Heavenly father happy today, shall we? Let's reciprocate God's love to us. Show some love today. Smile and wave at that little boy walking down the street, help that old woman across the road, say thank you to the taxi driver, pray for the crippled beggar on the sidewalk, try cracking a joke at work, make funny faces at your neighbour's baby, be polite to the woman selling fish in the market. Remember,  it's the little things that matter most.

Love is not all about material things. Love is showing compassion, being selfless, empathy for others, being altruistic, giving with expecting  nothing in return, rendering help to the helpless. It costs nothing to give love,  but in giving love, you are sure to receive more. Do not forget this as you celebrate christmas this year.

From femmefuntale, we love you and wish you the best of this season. MERRY CHRISTMAS!


Upbeat version of  We Wish You A Merry Christmas blasts through speakers.

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

WordPower



"Go sef and don't return again!"
She never did return ever again.

"Mike, Mike, Mike!" He could hear his sister screaming his name like the house was on fire and they needed to evacuate all their valuables but alas!, there was no fire. It was just her annoying habit to scream like she was five houses away when a normal, civil person could have easily knocked on his door and expressed him or herself.

As it was, he ignored her petulant screams and focused on the soccer game right in front of him as his opponents were already a goal to the good. He cursed softly and rued his lack of concentration. He despised losing even when he knew he could easily restart the game.  Suddenly the door to his room flew open with the force of a Big Show K.O punch and the reading of a earth tremor that the Richter's scale could easily pick up.

"Is it that you deaf, mad or both?" His sister screamed again.
"Didn't you hear me calling you?" He continued ignoring her like he was still alone in the room.
"Mike I'm talking to you and not a statue, answer me or I'll shut down that laptop in your face," she threatened.

He still refused to acknowledge her presence, she went through with her threat and shut down the system. This got her the desired attention as he sprang up in rage, eyes blazing and shooting deadly daggers at her.

"I told you I'd shut it down, didn't I?" She asked defiantly.
"Are you mad? What is your problem Anna? Can't you stay a day without frustrating me?". This was despite the fact that she had three years on him.

"Go and do the dishes, that's the reason I've been screaming your name since".

This was one of the reasons he wished he had a junior sibling, someone to shoulder the responsibility of the tedious and downright degrading house chores. Damn ASUU for going on this cursed strike, damn his parents for making him the second and last born, damn his sister for being such a malignant tumour that refused to go away, damn it all to hell and back. Storming out of his room, he banged the door so hard it sent shivers of fear around the whole house and the building seemed to shrink to show how terrified it was. Mumbling jargon under his breath, he barged into the kitchen with the grace of a queen Pig and looked at the dirty plates in disgust, they stared back at him defiantly as if daring him to turn his back on them.

"Why can't we eat in leaves and just discard them instead of facing this arduous task?" He soliloquized.

He attacked the plates with the zeal of a prisoner facing the hangman and washed gingerly. After what seemed like an eternity to him, he rinsed the last of the plates, gave a long sigh of relief and stepped out of the kitchen. Heading back to his room to pick up from where he left off from his beloveth game, his sister's dreaded voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Mike, you are through? Ehen, mumsy said you should wash the toilet and bathroom in the master's bedroom."
"What?" He thundered
"Mumsy didn't tell me anything o and I remember seeing her this morning before she left."
"She called me later," Anna countered.
"Said something about you cleaning it properly."
"Okay, Okay,  I'll clean it later," he replied grudgingly.
"No, clean it now now before you think of any game."
"I said I'll clean it na, is it running away ni?" He was reaching boiling point.
"Is your laptop running away too?" She asked triumphantly, rearing her head forward with her hands on her hip in that annoyingly feminine way.

He called on the gods of self-control and resisted the urge to slap her and instead walked to his room.

"Well I'm going to the market now," She said after a while.
"Make sure they are washed before I get back."
"Go sef and never return!" he retorted in anger.
A look of hurt flashed over her beautiful features but it was swiftly replaced with a calm demeanour.

She never did return.

Her head was bashed when one of the tyres of the bike she was transporting on flew out on the highway hurlting the bike, the rider and her to the ground. The oncoming vehicle was moving too fast to slow down.

By  @djay_prinze

Sunday, 15 December 2013

12 Days of Christmas: 4

Finally! We're here. The tail of the tale. Thank you for following the story. If you're not, you should click here to read the head, here to read the upper trunk and here,  the lower trunk. Now, let the tail wag!

12 Days of Christmas


"'Sup ma nizzle, what's cooking?" I decided to go all gangster on Kenke as I entered the kitchen. 
"Dragon ears, leprechaun nails and toothfairy wings."
"How about pixie dust?"
"Yeah. That too."
We both laughed. We were going to have chicken and chips. I remembered we had no ketchup. There and then, I wished I had a genie that could magically produce ketchup. I figured my knight could get me one and I made a mental note 'Day 8 - Genie in an oil lamp.'   Kenke was busy frying so I had to go buy the ketchup. I took money from Kenke's purse (durrh! I work, you pay).

I was walking down the street when a sleek 2014 Toyota Avalon cruised by. The driver looked handsome and young. If only I had a car...'Day 9 -  2014 Toyota Avalon.'
The car stopped a few feet ahead of me, I started catwalking on impulse, swaying left and right like a tree being blown by the wind. The driver got out, smiled and waved. I smiled back, exposing my black gum. As I raised my hand to wave back, a Barbie-like lady, complete with the hair and makeup, shot out of the shop adjacent to me. She raced into his arms and planted a kiss on his cheek. Boy, I was jealous! I just walked past them with the little dignity I had left.

About 15minutes later I was going through the pedestrian gate. My mind drifted to the earlier disconcerting incidence, centering on the lady's appearance. 'Day 10 and 11 -   human hair and Victoria's secret makeup kit respectively'. With that, I'll be the one kissing men in posh cars real soon. The thought was solace enough for me.

I opened the door to the apartment and stepped in. An eerie feeling swept over me. It was oddly quiet. I called Kenke's name; no reply.  I checked the three bedrooms in the apartment and they appeared normal. I entered the kitchen, everything was in place, the potatoes and chicken, all fried. Grisly thoughts started running through my mind. What if some evil person had abducted Kenke, or someone close to her had had an accident, or died? Or could she have been raptured. I was scared for myself. Everywhere was graveyard still. I tiptoed to my room for fear of alerting who-knows-who?  I picked up my phone and dialled Kenke's number. I heard her ringtone reverberate through the apartment. Kenke hardly ever left her phone at home. My fears heightened. I was so befuddled that I just pulled out the paper from beneath my pillow  and updated the list. I scanned the list again and shook my head at my folly. What sort of 21year old wasted time fantasizing about some knight in shining armour and some stupid list of gifts? I knew the answer. An unhappy, lonely and bored one. I had no true friends, only acquitances. Family? I was an only child and I had had lost both parents about a year ago. Extended family? They were as the name implied, extended! I gazed at the paper for a while and drew a large X on it. Tears welled up in my eyes. Kenke, she was a million in one to me. She was my family, friend and 'hater'. I snickered at the last one. She was heaven-sent, like a guardian angel. We had shared a lot together, the good, the bad and the ugly. She made me smile, laugh and cry. She made me happy. I missed her, especially her customary banters. I felt sad. Across the big X I had drawn on the paper, I wrote the word HAPPY in bold. It was all I truly wanted for Christmas and after. What would it profit me to have a knight deliver gifts of all sorts and still remain unhappy.  A wise man once said to me, "Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence."  I zombie-walked to the window and gazed at the stars. Like in a disney cartoon, I saw a shooting star. I closed my eyes and wished for the one thing my heart most desired. I decided to lie on my bed, close my eyes and relax when out of the blue,

"Apa! Apa! Where are you? Come out, come out wherever you are." Kenke called out in a singsong voice.
"There you are. Didn't you hear me call you?" She said as she entered my room.
"Where have you been? Why did you leave the house for so long? You didn't even lock the door!"
"I was in the backyard cutting aloevera for my facemask. I saw you as you entered the compound sef. I didn't even spend upto five minutes in the backyard. Missed me, have you?" She asked with a wide grin.

I hissed and pushed past her.
"I'm going to get my food. Feel free to feast on that silly question you just asked. Miss you? Tufiakwa."

If only she knew how emotional I had gotten few minutes earlier because I thought something bad had happened. I bit my lip and shook my head in disbelief   .
"Hey, hey, don't take the biggest chicken lap. That's reserved for me and me alone," she warned
"Stop me if you can."
And we  raced to the kitchen.

LE FIN

Friday, 13 December 2013

12 Days of Christmas: 3

Click here to read the first and introductory part of this tale and here to read the second part .


12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS contd.

The knight approached with a dress made of dazzling diamonds nestled in his hands. He was less than a hundred metre away from me when the earth shook violently. I was panicky. A strong wind started slapping at me. Though it was cold, sweat beads trickled down my body.

That was when I opened my eyes. The windows were open and it was raining. The thunder rumbled with a deafening noise. I reached for my wristwatch and checked the time. It read 6:35. I decided to prepare for work. I had been late everyday since the previous Monday. It was Friday, the last working day. I decided to redeem myself.

I skipped breakfast and left for work. I hadn't seen Kenke. Strange.

I was surprised the office was packed full and bustling with activities quite early. I walked to my desk. I was barely seated when I heard a voice, "My office. Now!" It was my boss. I trotted behind him, into his office.
He slammed the door and yelled, "I won't tolerate this. You've been late everyday since Monday."

But not today, I thought. I was starting to apologize but he cut me off.

"Are you a nursing mother? If you still want this job, you know what to do."

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I turned to leave.

"Next time, even if your life depended on it, do not come to work as late as 11.25am"
I was taken aback, I glanced at the wall clock in his office. 11.25. Oh no. I checked my watch, still 6:35.

"Yes sir." I walked out of his office.

I felt betrayed by my watch, as well as the weather, partners in crime. The watch had cost me N500. The mallam that sold it to me six months ago swore it was original. I had changed the battery seven times since then. I grunted.

The day went by swiftly and work closed. I decided to walk home, it was a seven minute walk. I was contemplating getting a new watch or changing the battery when something poured down on me. I looked up. It wasn't rain. Some dunderhead from one of the shops above had poured 'water' on me. I smelt fish stew. It was all over me. Examining my white blouse, I wanted to cry.  I took a step back to get a better view of the shop and yell my head off at whoever had ruined my favourite blouse. I missed my step and broke a heel. I stared at the broken stiletto heel in disbelief.

"Today can't get anyworse. Geez! Why am I so unlucky?" Then the rain started. But for the rain, the world have easily witnessed a grown 21-year old shed tears.

"Why don't you wait in here till the rain stops," a good Nigerian beckoned me to come into his shop. I walked in and thanked him. He helped me with my bag and got me a chair. He gave me a towel with which I dried myself.

"Sorry about your blouse and shoe."
"Thank you."
"Please relax, the rain will stop soon."
"Thank you again."
"Ma'am, please give me a second. I want to get something from my friend in the next shop. I'll be back in a jiffy."

There were still gentlemen in Ibadan. I was impressed. He had been gone for about fifteen minutes and the rain had subsided. I reached for my bag to get my phone. I wanted to call Kenke to ask her to meet me in the shop with an umbrella and a pair of flipflops. It was very close to the house. She wouldn't object. I didn't find the phone. I searched frantically for it. Then it dawned on me, I had been robbed. The 'gentleman' had stolen my Curve 2. How did he do it? I was confused.
I was in a state of shock, "No. Oh no. Oh no. No. No." I closed my eyes and kept shaking my head. "No. No. No." Someone slapped my arm and opened my eyes.

"Wake up joor. Let's make dinner." Kenke was standing by my bed.
"Am I dreaming? " I rubbed my eyes lazily.
"Get up woman.'Cept you want to eat that piece of paper in your hand."

I sent her away with a wave of my hand. "I'll join you soon."
I looked at the paper then I remembered. I slept off daydreaming about my million dollar dress.
I recounted all that happened in the dream and thanked my stars it was just a dream. I looked at the paper knowingly. I had figured what i wanted for the next six days of Christmas.
Day 2: a Rolex wristwatch.
Day 3: a white Versace blouse.
Day 4: Two pairs of Tom Ford pumps.
Day 5: a Louis Vuitton umbrella.
Day 6: an iPhone 5s.
Day 7: a Prada bag.

They say prevention is better than cure. The dream might have been a warning.  Plus my wardrobe was so 16th century.
"My knight is in for it." I said out loud and chuckled.
"Sunla! Hurry up!" Sunla was another of the many names Kenke had for me. I placed the paper under my pillow and two-stepped into the kitchen cheerily.

The concluding part of this *fill the blank* tale will be posted on Sunday the 15th *suspense theme plays*. What'll happen next? I dont know but Sunday will tell. Thanks for reading. Have a goodluck filled Friday the 13th.



Wednesday, 11 December 2013

12 days of Christmas: 2

Click here to read previous part.


Deulofeu attempted to pass the ball to Mirallas but Wilshere was quick to intercept the ball. He made a short pass to Ozil. Ozil expertly tackled Mirallas, sending him to the grass and headed for the goal post. Ozil raised his leg to shoot the ball, the timer on the tv read 87:57. If he could successfully drive the ball into the net, it would be a 3-2 victory for Arsenal against Everton. Heart in mouth, fists clenched, tension lines running the length of my forehead, butt almost falling off the chair, I watched Ozil's shot drive the ball towards the net when out of nowhere,

"How hot do I look in this dress? Would you rate me ten over ten or ten over ten? This gown is perfecto. The colour and texture complement my skin. See how it accentuates my curves. It's the right length. And with those red pumps I received on my birthday, the ones you gave me, I'd look se-en-sa-tional!" She stopped ranting as she finished dusting imaginary particles off her new gown.

If looks could kill, Kenke would be dining with her ancestors. And if thoughts could, she'd be singing Hossanna with the angels. Eitherway, she'd be six feet under. I let out an exasperated sigh and headed for my room. I was too angry to utter a word.

"One day the gods will smile on you and bless you with real woman curves." She jeered at me.

I grunted, slammed the door and sank into the only chair in my room. I was infuriated and frustrated. At 21, I still had the shape of an overweight five-year old. A breathing potato with arms and legs. I secretly prayed Kenke was right about the gods blessing me.

Thinking of how best to kill time, I remembered the football match. I grabbed my laptop and surfed the internet for the final results of the match. Ozil had scored the goal. Arsenal won. Instantly, all was well with the world again.

Kenke and her shenanigans, I thought back to the incident, shook my head and smiled. As much as I hated to admit it, she was indeed lovely in her new dress. That was when something in my head sparked. In no time, I found what I wanted via google. I smiled at it.

I might not look 'se-en-sational' in a dress, I thought, but I could look like a million dollars. I found a $17.6 million dress, the most expensive dress in the world. It looked almost ordinary, it was infact a muslim-like robe, black and red, but for the beautiful diamonds set on it. I'd be a walking million dollar diamond. The sound of it felt good.

On a piece of paper, I wrote, '1st Day of Christmas: $17 million dress'.

I smiled at the paper and at the image of a dazed Kenke when she sees me rocking such a dress. Well, it's all upto my Knight in shiny armour to make it a reality. I laughed out loud and shut my eyes.

Few minutes later, a knight was approaching me with a dress made of dazzling diamonds.


What will be next on the list? Click here to find out.