5 Things to do to before the Year Ends

Ding dong, ding dong, the town bell started ringing just as the clock struck 12. As if the sound of the bell was indication of an impending attack, the whole town was thrown into a frenzy. Men, women, young, old, everyone started running helter skelter, some trying to return stolen goods, some trying to pay their debts, the lazy ones attempted to hurriedly complete projects they should have.

It was time. Time for each and every townsman to account for time spent, money earned, money spent, words said, actions, thoughts, everything!

"QUIET!" screamed the thunderous voice of a guard.

"Enough of this hullabaloo. You will all form a queue and wait your turn to go into the fort. You'll meet the almighty King Vasto and to him will you give account."

Like a tranquilized bear, everyone was immediately calm. Everyone obeyed, order and organization, immediately restored. 

Somewhere on the queue, Mr Stereovida was queasy. He tapped Mr Agiliso who stood behind him on his left arm. Mr Agiliso looked up with a smile on his face,

"Yes?"

"You look happy," was Stereovida's rather lame reply.

"I certainly am, I used all my assets well. Invested and multiplied all a great fold." 

He noticed the uneasiness in Stereovida's eyes and asked,

"You didn't use yours well?"

"No I didn't. I work as a messenger for one of the noble families. I don't have that much talent. All I ever did was, well, run errands. Nothing more."

"Oh my! King Vasto would be disappointed. I heard he feeds the brain, heart, hands and legs of those who do not impress him to his pet piranhas."

About an hour later, a guard led Stereovida into the fort. He stood before the King and gave his account. The King was very disappointed. 

"Guards! Take him away. He is to be fed to the piranhas. Let them have a human dinner," screamed the King.

                   ●● Press PAUSE ●●

The year ends in about 48 hours. What special thing have you accomplished this year? You got married? If it wasn't on the moon, it's not special. You gained admission? Except you got it without writing exams, No, it's not special. Job promotion, higher pay? Except it's made you as rich as Bill gates, No, it's nothing.

Now you're frustrated. Thinking,  have I really spent 363 days without doing anything special? Calm your nerves. I've gatcha.

Below are five things to do before the year runs out. Five cool things that'll certify your year awesome.

1. Become a Polyglot                                        In two days you'll learn to speak several languages. Impossible? I think not! It's really simple. List at least 7 different languages on a paper . For each language, find out how to say hello (use google!). Note them down and commit them to memory. In less than ten minutes, you'll be able to speak at least 7 different languagues. Who cares if it's only 'hello' you can utter?  Nobody.                                      
2. Set a Record                                             Woah. Woah. Slow down. No one mentioned Guiness world record. Your greatest competition is you. So you'll be setting a YOUrecord. Try something you have never done before like sticking your tongue out without retracting it for 6hours or talking backwards. It is as easy as farting.                                                                    
3. Become an Artist                                 Everyone knows Leonardo da Vinci for his works of art especially the Mona Lisa. You'll also create a work of art. It could be a few pencil strokes, a drawing of a stickman, a painting of a leaf or calligraphy.  Art is a means of communication, it doesn't say meaningful communication, neither does it say meaningless communication. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Feel free to express yourself.                                                                   
4. Design It!                                                  Yuup, design something.  A dress, a shoe, your future house, a car, anything! You cannot go wrong with creating a design. Cause a mistake made is still part of the design. Awesome, isn't it?                                
5. Shake It!                                                             It is obviously the season of creating dance steps. So why shouldn't you join the trend? Create your dance step. Personalize it. It could be as simple as lifting your legs and swinging your arms. It's your creation, own it! Teach your family and friends and have them teach their friends who'll teach friends that'll teach their friends. It'll go on and on like that. Who knows, your dance might be the next Gangnam style.

So there you have it. Five totally awesome things to do before the year runs out. Do them all and you would have achieved a lot. Thank me later. I told y'all I had your backs. *winks* Hurry. Time waits for no man.

●● Rewind ●●

●●Press Play ●●

About an hour later, a guard led Stereovida into the fort. He stood before the King and gave his account. The King was very impressed.

"You mean you learnt over ten languagues,  walked a kilometre on your hands, drew  darkness, designed a flying shoe and  invented DEDANS, whatever that is, despite the meagre talent I bestowed on you?"

"Yes, Your Highness."

" I am impressed. "

"Guards! Bring the piranha tank. Give it to this young man. Tonight, this young  man will be having a fish dinner."

Merry Christmas

It was a starry fullmoon night. 'Hoooowwwl' went a pack of wolves somewhere in the woods. Seated around the feet of old man Whitebeard were his grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great great grandchildren. He cleared his throat and in his signature croaky voice, he narrated an ancient tale.

"A long long time back, in an ancient town, lived a fair maiden. She was so fair that she was handpicked by forces, forces far greater than any mortal could fathom to be the bearer of the best thing to ever happen to mankind. Blessed she was indeed, for in Bethlehem of Judea, in a manger, she bore a son, not one of a man and a woman but one of the spirit. His name, EMMANUEL."

Drumroll
Fireworks
Cymbals clash
Bells chime
More fireworks
Final drumroll
Upbeat version of 'Joy to the World' starts playing in background.

Merry Christmas people. Glad you made it to this day. We cerebrate the birth of Christ today, the birth of peace, joy, forgiveness,  a second chance, salvation! The birth of God's greatest gift to man, a gift of love.

So let's make our Heavenly father happy today, shall we? Let's reciprocate God's love to us. Show some love today. Smile and wave at that little boy walking down the street, help that old woman across the road, say thank you to the taxi driver, pray for the crippled beggar on the sidewalk, try cracking a joke at work, make funny faces at your neighbour's baby, be polite to the woman selling fish in the market. Remember,  it's the little things that matter most.

Love is not all about material things. Love is showing compassion, being selfless, empathy for others, being altruistic, giving with expecting  nothing in return, rendering help to the helpless. It costs nothing to give love,  but in giving love, you are sure to receive more. Do not forget this as you celebrate christmas this year.

From femmefuntale, we love you and wish you the best of this season. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Upbeat version of  We Wish You A Merry Christmas blasts through speakers.

12 Days of Christmas: 4

Finally! We're here. The tail of the tale. Thank you for following the story. If you're not, you should click here to read the head, here to read the upper trunk and here,  the lower trunk. Now, let the tail wag!

12 Days of Christmas

"'Sup ma nizzle, what's cooking?" I decided to go all gangster on Kenke as I entered the kitchen. 

"Dragon ears, leprechaun nails and toothfairy wings."
"How about pixie dust?"
"Yeah. That too."
We both laughed. We were going to have chicken and chips. I remembered we had no ketchup. There and then, I wished I had a genie that could magically produce ketchup. I figured my knight could get me one and I made a mental note 'Day 8 - Genie in an oil lamp.'   Kenke was busy frying so I had to go buy the ketchup. I took money from Kenke's purse (durrh! I work, you pay).

I was walking down the street when a sleek 2014 Toyota Avalon cruised by. The driver looked handsome and young. If only I had a car...'Day 9 -  2014 Toyota Avalon.'
The car stopped a few feet ahead of me, I started catwalking on impulse, swaying left and right like a tree being blown by the wind. The driver got out, smiled and waved. I smiled back, exposing my black gum. As I raised my hand to wave back, a Barbie-like lady, complete with the hair and makeup, shot out of the shop adjacent to me. She raced into his arms and planted a kiss on his cheek. Boy, I was jealous! I just walked past them with the little dignity I had left.

About 15minutes later I was going through the pedestrian gate. My mind drifted to the earlier disconcerting incidence, centering on the lady's appearance. 'Day 10 and 11 -   human hair and Victoria's secret makeup kit respectively'. With that, I'll be the one kissing men in posh cars real soon. The thought was solace enough for me.

I opened the door to the apartment and stepped in. An eerie feeling swept over me. It was oddly quiet. I called Kenke's name; no reply.  I checked the three bedrooms in the apartment and they appeared normal. I entered the kitchen, everything was in place, the potatoes and chicken, all fried. Grisly thoughts started running through my mind. What if some evil person had abducted Kenke, or someone close to her had had an accident, or died? Or could she have been raptured. I was scared for myself. Everywhere was graveyard still. I tiptoed to my room for fear of alerting who-knows-who?  I picked up my phone and dialled Kenke's number. I heard her ringtone reverberate through the apartment. Kenke hardly ever left her phone at home. My fears heightened. I was so befuddled that I just pulled out the paper from beneath my pillow  and updated the list. I scanned the list again and shook my head at my folly. What sort of 21year old wasted time fantasizing about some knight in shining armour and some stupid list of gifts? I knew the answer. An unhappy, lonely and bored one. I had no true friends, only acquitances. Family? I was an only child and I had had lost both parents about a year ago. Extended family? They were as the name implied, extended! I gazed at the paper for a while and drew a large X on it. Tears welled up in my eyes. Kenke, she was a million in one to me. She was my family, friend and 'hater'. I snickered at the last one. She was heaven-sent, like a guardian angel. We had shared a lot together, the good, the bad and the ugly. She made me smile, laugh and cry. She made me happy. I missed her, especially her customary banters. I felt sad. Across the big X I had drawn on the paper, I wrote the word HAPPY in bold. It was all I truly wanted for Christmas and after. What would it profit me to have a knight deliver gifts of all sorts and still remain unhappy.  A wise man once said to me, "Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence."  I zombie-walked to the window and gazed at the stars. Like in a disney cartoon, I saw a shooting star. I closed my eyes and wished for the one thing my heart most desired. I decided to lie on my bed, close my eyes and relax when out of the blue,

"Apa! Apa! Where are you? Come out, come out wherever you are." Kenke called out in a singsong voice.
"There you are. Didn't you hear me call you?" She said as she entered my room.
"Where have you been? Why did you leave the house for so long? You didn't even lock the door!"
"I was in the backyard cutting aloevera for my facemask. I saw you as you entered the compound sef. I didn't even spend upto five minutes in the backyard. Missed me, have you?" She asked with a wide grin.

I hissed and pushed past her.
"I'm going to get my food. Feel free to feast on that silly question you just asked. Miss you? Tufiakwa."

If only she knew how emotional I had gotten few minutes earlier because I thought something bad had happened. I bit my lip and shook my head in disbelief   .
"Hey, hey, don't take the biggest chicken lap. That's reserved for me and me alone," she warned
"Stop me if you can."
And we  raced to the kitchen.

LE FIN

12 Days of Christmas: 3

Click here to read the first and introductory part of this tale and here to read the second part .

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS contd.

The knight approached with a dress made of dazzling diamonds nestled in his hands. He was less than a hundred metre away from me when the earth shook violently. I was panicky. A strong wind started slapping at me. Though it was cold, sweat beads trickled down my body.

That was when I opened my eyes. The windows were open and it was raining. The thunder rumbled with a deafening noise. I reached for my wristwatch and checked the time. It read 6:35. I decided to prepare for work. I had been late everyday since the previous Monday. It was Friday, the last working day. I decided to redeem myself.

I skipped breakfast and left for work. I hadn't seen Kenke. Strange.

I was surprised the office was packed full and bustling with activities quite early. I walked to my desk. I was barely seated when I heard a voice, "My office. Now!" It was my boss. I trotted behind him, into his office.
He slammed the door and yelled, "I won't tolerate this. You've been late everyday since Monday."

But not today, I thought. I was starting to apologize but he cut me off.

"Are you a nursing mother? If you still want this job, you know what to do."

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I turned to leave.

"Next time, even if your life depended on it, do not come to work as late as 11.25am"
I was taken aback, I glanced at the wall clock in his office. 11.25. Oh no. I checked my watch, still 6:35.

"Yes sir." I walked out of his office.

I felt betrayed by my watch, as well as the weather, partners in crime. The watch had cost me N500. The mallam that sold it to me six months ago swore it was original. I had changed the battery seven times since then. I grunted.

The day went by swiftly and work closed. I decided to walk home, it was a seven minute walk. I was contemplating getting a new watch or changing the battery when something poured down on me. I looked up. It wasn't rain. Some dunderhead from one of the shops above had poured 'water' on me. I smelt fish stew. It was all over me. Examining my white blouse, I wanted to cry.  I took a step back to get a better view of the shop and yell my head off at whoever had ruined my favourite blouse. I missed my step and broke a heel. I stared at the broken stiletto heel in disbelief.

"Today can't get anyworse. Geez! Why am I so unlucky?" Then the rain started. But for the rain, the world have easily witnessed a grown 21-year old shed tears.

"Why don't you wait in here till the rain stops," a good Nigerian beckoned me to come into his shop. I walked in and thanked him. He helped me with my bag and got me a chair. He gave me a towel with which I dried myself.

"Sorry about your blouse and shoe."
"Thank you."
"Please relax, the rain will stop soon."
"Thank you again."
"Ma'am, please give me a second. I want to get something from my friend in the next shop. I'll be back in a jiffy."

There were still gentlemen in Ibadan. I was impressed. He had been gone for about fifteen minutes and the rain had subsided. I reached for my bag to get my phone. I wanted to call Kenke to ask her to meet me in the shop with an umbrella and a pair of flipflops. It was very close to the house. She wouldn't object. I didn't find the phone. I searched frantically for it. Then it dawned on me, I had been robbed. The 'gentleman' had stolen my Curve 2. How did he do it? I was confused.
I was in a state of shock, "No. Oh no. Oh no. No. No." I closed my eyes and kept shaking my head. "No. No. No." Someone slapped my arm and opened my eyes.

"Wake up joor. Let's make dinner." Kenke was standing by my bed.
"Am I dreaming? " I rubbed my eyes lazily.
"Get up woman.'Cept you want to eat that piece of paper in your hand."

I sent her away with a wave of my hand. "I'll join you soon."
I looked at the paper then I remembered. I slept off daydreaming about my million dollar dress.
I recounted all that happened in the dream and thanked my stars it was just a dream. I looked at the paper knowingly. I had figured what i wanted for the next six days of Christmas.
Day 2: a Rolex wristwatch.
Day 3: a white Versace blouse.
Day 4: Two pairs of Tom Ford pumps.
Day 5: a Louis Vuitton umbrella.
Day 6: an iPhone 5s.
Day 7: a Prada bag.

They say prevention is better than cure. The dream might have been a warning.  Plus my wardrobe was so 16th century.
"My knight is in for it." I said out loud and chuckled.
"Sunla! Hurry up!" Sunla was another of the many names Kenke had for me. I placed the paper under my pillow and two-stepped into the kitchen cheerily.

The concluding part of this *fill the blank* tale will be posted on Sunday the 15th *suspense theme plays*. What'll happen next? I dont know but Sunday will tell. Thanks for reading. Have a goodluck filled Friday the 13th.